thoughtful thursday.

i have had the enormous pleasure of reading this summer. i think god has been giving me an opportunity to indulge in one of my favourite pastimes before the babe comes. what a joy!

two books that have been hugely influential on how i am framing this next season have been margin by richard swenson, and bread & wine by shauna niequist.

margin suggests that we live the moments of our lives right up against the next moments - leaving no space for rest or play or unscheduled 'interruption' but that in actuality, the margin is where god has space to show up and move within our lives. if we are living without margin we are unable to grasp the grace-times the father has waiting for us. if we are always rushing to the next thing we aren't able to stop for a chat on the street with a neighbour, or meet a friend for a spontaneous coffee. we aren't able to rest well or to play well. we are late and 'too busy' and tired. and we lose the space for grace in our lives. further, we lose the space for showing grace to others.

bread and wine is a fabulous you-must-read-this-book-right-now collection of stories about food and faith. about gathering together around a table, breaking bread, sharing wine, doing what jesus did with his friends in the upper room, and engaging in community. on our holiday le boy and i reflected that one thing we have not done as much of in the last six months is open our home and fill our table with friends and food. and while there are good reasons for this - namely the small soul joining our family in november - it has felt a more empty season in our home and is something we hope to press into more as we go forward.

and so what have i done as i think about making space for grace? how do i make space for the sacred around in our lives, around our table, living intentionally in community and being available for the spirit to use me in unexpected ways? how can i live a less busy, more intentional life? i'm sure i'll be puzzling this through for many, many years to come. i imagine this is an area where i might always struggle. but i know what i'd like my life to look like - i know that this is how i'd like to live.

potato salad.

last night was one of those where you rush into the house, rustle up dinner and are back on the road not too long after. we have a lot of those nights - something about church life requires it. at times i find it exhausting, but usually, i love that we have a community to love us, a place to go that feels like home, and adding a good meal to that is just icing on the cake.

years ago i created a roasted potato salad with pesto. it might be the first real 'recipe' i ever thought of on my own, i was proud and my family LOVED it. one night at a dinner party a friend of my mom's asked for the recipe, the highest praise. but the beauty is that it's just humble ingredients.

heading home last night, knowing i was short on time and there were few ingredients in the fridge i wondered what i could do with eggs, bacon and potatoes that wasn't breakfast for dinner...an hour later this was on the table...and it was good enough for lunch today.

roasted potatoes and red pepper, greens slightly wilted by the heat, crispy fried bacon, and just perfect hard/soft boiled eggs (i'm talking about the sweet spot in between a soft boiled egg and a hard boiled egg where the yolk is just slightly gooey and the whites are hard).

pesto potato salad meets breakfast.
serves 3-4

time required: 45 minutes, 25 hands on.

ingredients:

• 6 eggs 
• 1/2 kg (1 lb) of baby new potatoes
• 1 red pepper 
• 2 tbsp olive oil 
• 8-12 rashers (strips) of bacon 
• two large handfuls of greens (i used baby spinach, watercress and rocket) 
• 2 tbsp pesto (prepared or homemade) 

directions: 

• heat oven to 200 C, 425 F, place a medium pot of water onto boil, cut bacon into 1/2" pieces, roughly dice (1") potatoes and red pepper 
• spread potatoes and red pepper on baking sheet, toss in olive oil and season with salt and pepper, roast for 30-45 until golden and crisp
• over medium-high heat fry bacon until crisp, once done, set aside, but do not drain (you want the flavourful fat)
• once water is boiling cook eggs on a low simmer for 7 minutes (essential for the perfect middle). when finished run under cold water for a minute to allow handling, peel and chop roughly.
• once potatoes are roasted transfer to bowl, along with roasting oil, add bacon and rendered fat and toss with pesto. add salad greens. 
• plate salad, add eggs, enjoy. 

baby.

the reason for the blogging break.

it turns out that the beginning of growing a small human is incredibly exhausting. and so my days were spent like this: wake up (late). work. go home. lay on sofa. go to bed. with a little nausea thrown in for good measure. hence there wasn't anything very exciting to write about. except the most exciting thing to write about (which we weren't telling anyone) - a baby!

well, there you go. i'm due in november and now that i'm enjoying the relatively less exhausting, less ill-feeling period of this pregnancy, i'm hoping to be a bit better about recording our lives.

we are overjoyed. blessed beyond measure. marvelling at god's goodness. overwhelmed by the tiny miracle happening inside. it's good. very good.

linked.

may i just encourage you to visit this today?

may our days reflect this balance of the word and work and wandering. amen and amen.

ann voskamp on how to keep sanity. 

via incourage.me

works.

it's cold. well cold for london. below zero for almost a week now, and no signs of warmth until the weekend. on my lunch break today i took the opportunity to go for a walk and grab some lunch. 

it's cold. so i was wearing a ski jacket, a hat, a cowl, and warm gloves. i also had snow boots on my feet. there's nothing particularly special about this, except that i was going to come face to face with one who had none of this. 

i went to my favourite sushi restaurant (even typing that sounds pretentious) and after purchasing my meal and diet coke i sat down and started on my current bible study - james by beth moore. it is one of those that hits you upside the head. james' central message is that faith without works, is dead. that is, if we truly have faith, if we are in obedience to god, we will be showing this in how we live out our lives. we will care for the poor and the widow and the orphan. we will seek justice for those who need it. we will be the hands and feet of christ.


to say the least. it is getting to me. i live a very comfortable life. and while we tithe and give and serve, i know that i rarely step outside my comfort zone and engage with those who aren't like me. when i do, it's almost always in 'safe ways,' through church, or volunteering with a charity.  if i'm honest, the homeless make me feel uncomfortable. i'm ashamed to admit that often times i look away, just not wanting to make eye contact, not wanting to acknowledge that there is a gulf, an ocean, between us in terms of money and social status. ugh. i loathe even writing that. but it's true. that is the state of my sinful heart. 

so back to lunch, i was walking to the post office, i needed to get there in the hour i had. i didn't make it. at the corner i had made a decision between two post offices, equidistant from my office. for no particular reason, i chose one, probably because i am most familiar with it, but really, a post office, is a post office, right? as i was purposefully striding down the street, warm in all my winter gear, i was suddenly confronted with a guy sitting on the very cold pavement. he couldn't have been much older than myself, and i think he was probably younger. and we met eyes and i smiled, he extended an old coffee cup for change, and i said that i was sorry. and as i passed i got a check in my spirit. i could do something about this. but i didn't have any change. i tried to argue with god about it, i had no cash, we're on a tight budget at the moment (although, clearly i had money for lunch!), i'm now fifty yards away. 'turn around and offer to get him a sandwich.' and so i made a u-turn. and if i could describe the feeling inside my chest, i would. but i can't, except to say, i thought my heart would burst, i could sense above all, that today, i was supposed to walk down this street, at this particular time and encounter this man.

'excuse me, sir, i don't have any cash on me, but could i buy you a sandwich?'

'oh love, that's so kind, what i'd really like is a coffee,' he said in a garbled scottish brogue (difficult to understand at the best of times), 'a lat-a'

'pardon me?'

'with LOTS of sugar, a lat-a, with lots of sugar'

'oh a latte?'

'yes with lots of sugar, bless you.'

there is a starbucks about 60 yards down the street, this street is filled with people just like me, busy, well-dressed, business people and university students, i'm almost sure that most of us would have enjoyed to eat and drink during our lunch break today. 10 minutes and £2.50 later, with a fistful of sugar packets i returned. we chatted for a minute, i asked him if he had a warm place to sleep and from what i could understand (again, the scottish accent is difficult to decipher at times) he said he'd met someone earlier who was referring him to st mungos. i wished him good day, that i hoped he could keep warm. i walked down the street, dressed in my warm coat, into my warm office with tears stinging my eyes.

i don't tell you this to ask for praise. the feeling in my soul today, knowing that i was serving one of god's precious children was more than enough. i tell you this because it's cold here in london, and it's cold in much of states and canada. it's too cold to sleep outside at the moment. if you see a homeless person who you think might be sleeping rough, please contact your local homeless agency, in london you can contact st mungo's.

i asked god to open my eyes to need this week, to show me where i could make a difference, how i could put my faith into action, today i got a task i'm particularly good at, i bought a cup of coffee. with LOTS of sugar. 

bearing with.

i wrote this originally to a friend in the midst of a grief, but now, i realise, it is for all my friends, my family, for people i don't even know, who are grappling with living this side of heaven. the world is full of weight isn't it? 

it's mainly a jumble of thoughts. but it's all i could manage.

Your email came and I resisted opening it. I knew what it was going to say, my soul sank. Even before reading your words, my heart took on a heaviness in mere moments that can only be the Spirit asking me to bear with you, to carry this burden to the Lord. I was wondering how it gets to be such a gloriously beautiful day and for this news to shatter it. I've been ruminating on what it means to bring a sacrifice of praise, I’m sure you could teach me a thing or two, you always could. And so with this heaviness I am praising him, from whom, we know, flows everything. Him, who works all things for good. Him who lead this stumbling girl to your family almost a decade ago and said, love her, and you did. I love you as one of my spiritual mothers, I love you as a sister in Christ, I love you as one who does not say it nearly ever enough.

You are stronger than you know. I am honoured to be on your prayer list. I think of your family, of you, so much, so much. I am waiting and working to become a woman of the Lord and the Word as you are. I am astounded by the grace with which you live. 

I am unable to give words to this thing. 

I suppose I should call you one of my first mentors (I hate that word). The hours you spent loving me toward Jesus. The hours you heard my heart when it was covered by so many words. The times you honoured the woman-girl as she worked out this thing called following Jesus. What a task. Thank you.

May I tell you that my single best hug of all time came from you? I can remember the weight of your hand on the back of my head as you brought me close. I can remember the children dancing around our legs. I can remember thinking this is the best hug of my life. It was full of gratitude and mercy and Christ and grace. It was on an ordinary Sunday morning in the Church hall, with the smell of Freshee and Elmer’s glue still lingering in the air.

I know this comes as a blow again. I know there are no words for this pain, this confusion, this hurt. I know there is darkness the creeps in around the edges at times like these. I was loved toward Jesus enough to know that all of this is ok. I know that you know this too, but I’ve learned we sometimes need to be held in prayers by those who can believe for us, if only for a moment while we gather ourselves and with our fingernails cling to faith. 

I know that in moments like this there are knots in your stomach (mine too…) and it feels like you’ve come to the end of yourself. I could say something like but it’s ok, because at the end of yourself is where Jesus will carry you, and he will, he has, he is. But it’s not comforting now to say that. It sounds hollow in my head, my heart beats faster and a lump raises in my throat. Tears well. It is impossible to not sound trite at a moment like this. 

But know that we have this incredible ability, my sister, to bear with each other. To carry grief for one another. And I am pleading with God for some of yours. He’ll give it, he’s faithful.

I will bear your burdens and pray for grace. I will expect miracles, I will give a sacrifice of praise. I can only hope it will ease this somehow. I can only pray for that. 

starting.

what is it about a new year?

every blog i read, i find myself nodding along to - yes, it's true. we love a new start don't we? a year is stretching out in front of us and we're unsure of what it holds and how it will end up, but it holds so much potential doesn't it? so much possibility. so much life.

tomorrow le boy and i are a taking advantage of an unexpected day-off and spending some time planning our year. we'll do this individually and together. together we'll focus on what we'd like to achieve as a couple, how we want to handle our finances and where we'd like to travel.

individually, it will be well, personal to each. for me, i'm hoping to create a small journal for 2013 where i can assess my intentions monthly and keep track of things such as books i read, crafts i make, places we travel, memorable incidents, memory work i undertake.

additionally, i'm hoping to use this resource from simplemom.net to set intentions for 2013. and to use the seven signs of spiritual life, ideally, i'll go through this quarterly so that i can assess where i'm at spiritually and grow in my relationship with jesus this year.

i've made a printable so that i can keep it in the back of my 2013 journal, ready to hand.

Seven Signs of Spiritual Life by Brie B-D

this comes originally from a sermon by our worship pastor matt southcombe at st michael's southfields.

finally, i'm challenging myself to undertake the three marriage habits.

i'll check back in soon with a recap on our day-away. so looking forward to this!

christmas card 2012.

i downloaded a design from becky higgins again.

this isn't exactly what we're sending because the source i was ordering from wouldn't resize properly...but it's pretty close.

this is what we'll send by email, as a pre-card, we were hoping to get these in the mail much earlier but there was a mistake with the printing and they only arrived over the weekend! i guess we know what my lunch hour will be spent doing this week :)

merry christmas everyone!

i'm linking up with faith's christmas card carousel.

december.

i've been quiet recently. but much to the chagrin of those who know me - that's never going to last long.

i missed reviewing october/november so here's a combo post.

::october/november recap::

spiritual: 

• we've started a new bible study in our homegroup and we're moving through it, will finish for christmas, it's been revelatory to grasp the concept of grace more fully 
• working my way personally through the beth moore proverbs study: wising up - and let me tell you, i am! 
• started a breakfast bible study with some ladies from church, so good to be drinking the word (and coffee) with sisters in christ! 
• memorised: ephesians 2:8, philippians 4:6, habbakuk 3:17&18, psalm 127:2

mental: 

• read: case histories by kate atkinson, readable but not my very favourite 
• read: start your family by candice and steve watters, a good biblical overview of the role of family in a believer's life, now the question is when to start? 
• winter of the world by ken follett, the second in a trilogy spanning the entire 20th century, readable, gripping, multiple storylines and LONG, but in a good way, worth the read, but absolutely necessary to read the first book! 
• the secret keeper by kate morten, this book has been much touted this autumn, and it's good and a compelling read, but it feels very similar to other kate morten books, in the way that all john grishams feel the same? it's a formula, it works, but it loses its magic once you've got this insight...sorry. 
• dear life by alice monroe, this book of short stories stole my heart, i ached for each snippet of life that was detailed. it probably helped that the stories mainly take place in places so familiar i could exactly picture the scenery the bleak and beautiful scenery of southwestern ontario farmland in winter, the beauty of lake huron in high summer. in honesty it made me a little home (and heart) sick, and isn't that what the best of books do to us? if you are familiar with the places of southwestern ontario, particularly those communities near the shores of lake huron, read this. 

physical: 

• i didn't start a 10 km training plan, but i have lost 40cm since july, so i'm feeling pretty great 
• i can leg press 100 kg, yup, you read that right. these quads are on fire!

creative: 

• well i quit photography class. that's ok. 
• i did photograph a friend's wedding and if i say so myself, the photos are at least passable for decent, mainly.
• i've knitted three jumpers and two hats. 
• knitted the cosiest throw blanket in the world

::december intentions::

spiritual: 

• finish off beth moore proverbs lecture series
• finish off bible in a year two years
• advent bible study, slow down, wait expectantly for the saviour of the world. 
• two more scriptures make 24 for the year! 

mental: 

• reading against a deadline: great expectations and life of pi (i know) both before i see the films, big hopes people. 

physical: 

• 'tis the season for cakes, and dinners and lunches, and deliciousness, so let's do this alongside the gym eh? 
• legpress 110 kg by 2013!

creative: 

• christmas cards
• christmas knitting 
• christmas decorating
• christmas baking 
• christmas day menu - so many decisions! 

november.

this month has been out of hand. and mainly looks and feels like this:

i'm ready for the waiting of advent. the preparation of our hearts and heads of the coming of christ.

sunday, slow.

a day to simply rest - isn't that a thought?

individual pot roast lunch. a perfect start to sunday afternoon.

watching the all blacks dominate the pitch against scotland. while snuggling under the just-finished (and blocked!) knit blanket.

walking along muddy paths in late afternoon light.

hot chocolate as the sun sets.

evening service at church praising the one who always remembers.

quitting.

i quit this week.

no, not my job. but the period of frenzy that gave way to the deep discontentment at work was met by god's unfailing grace and we are back in a place of sweet contentment, affirmed in the knowledge that i'm here for a reason and a season (just a season longer than i had originally anticipated).

i quit photography class.

earlier this autumn when signing up for both junior league and photography class and adding that to leading bible study and actively participating in our church community and being intentional in my friendships and my marriage, oh and that small part of my day called work; i did wonder if i was biting off more than i could chew. perhaps i should listen to that internal prompting a little more? two weeks into class i knew it was going to be a bit much to handle. i knew because i was struggling to make it all fit. i knew because it meant that i was definitely out of the house three nights in a row. i knew because it felt like my life was spinning out of control. i knew because that angry monster of anxiety that's been on my back all autumn was getting bigger and louder and more overwhelming. i knew that something had to give.

but what's funny is that while dropping the photography class was the obvious choice - it's a finite course of 10 weeks, it was offered at our local community centre so it was relatively inexpensive, and i had only gone for two weeks so it wasn't as if i had half a term of work behind me - my first thought was to drop my volunteering with junior league. and so i got to thinking about it. because really dropping junior league didn't feel right. i had invested a significant amount of time and money and i did enjoy the people and the cause. so why was i thinking to quit it instead?

i think it was my own selfishness getting in the way. i wanted to do the photography course, but it was only going to benefit me, there wasn't going to be a significant impact to the wider world. now please hear me, i think we should do things in our spare time that bring us pleasure and joy. i already do a lot of those things. i read and knit and watch tv and go to movies and cook and workout. we travel extensively and have a nice home. i am not saying that taking a photography course wasn't a good thing to do, i am saying that one of those other good things i just listed would have had to go instead, and i wasn't willing to make that sacrifice.

for a couple of weeks i wrestled with quitting junior league, it didn't feel right and yet staying felt overwhelming. i took it to god in prayer and discussed it with le boy. i chatted about it with friends. and then i realised that actually, what i was being called to lay down wasn't junior league, it was the photography class. and when i did. when i made the decision, the feeling of relief that swept over me was remarkable. i need flexibility in my evenings. to spend time with my husband, to cook and keep our home, to go to the gym or see a friend for a glass of wine. i need the flexibility so that i can give of myself in the homegroup we lead, and the church we attend, and the volunteer activities i am invested in.

last night i realised the reason why this felt so right is because it lines up with our value statement. before we were married le boy and listed our ten values in order. i made a word collage with them and it hangs in our living room. and i realised that i had made the decision in accordance with those values. and then last night when i was worrying about one item over another, i realised, go back to the value statement, what we have decided is important to us as a couple - use this to make decisions.


our values in order are:

god
marriage
family
hospitality
community
health
adventure
learning
travel
service

and so when one part of my life conflicts with another, i will choose according to our values. in some ways it made the decision making process, the weighing up and going back and forth in my mind, the pit of anxiety in my stomach about making the right choice, simply disappear. i know we've already thought long and hard about what we value, so more often than not, making a decision in submission to those values will be on track as well. and that my friends is what i call a lesson in the freedom of obedience.

now.

hearing: scripture songs: vol. 1 by sherri youngward

seeing: the glorious blue sky of a crisp november morning.

feeling: the sun on my face, the breeze in the air, signs of glorious creation.




thinking: it's a fine day for a autumn wedding.

witnessing: dear friends saying 'i will'

reading: winter of the world: book two of the century trilogy by ken follett

tasting: lindt caramel sea salt dark chocolate - do yourself a favour and get some!

memorising: habbakuk 3:17&18

Though the fig tree may not blossom, Nor fruit be on the vines; Though the labor of the olive may fail, And the fields yield no food; Though the flock may be cut off from the fold, And there be no herd in the stalls Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation.

:posted on the go:

thought collection.

i need to confess - last night i came into the house super late - like after 1030 late, and i'd still not eaten dinner. whoops. busy day at work, followed by a gym session, followed by a junior league meeting, followed by a glass of wine with the gals after JL...other than that, i cannot account for my subsequent actions. i can barely type this - i had, kraft dinner. which i believe is what canadians call mac & cheese from a box. if i'm honest i was hoping it would fill the void in my fridge. and my heart? i was sorta hoping that a remake of another time would happen when the most satisfying thing in the world was a bowl of kraft dinner. my sister and i used to make KD for sneaky saturday lunches when we were in highschool. ab could tell if the pasta was cooked properly just by stirring the pot. she generally likes to stir the pot. we'd eat it from bowls watching terrible saturday tv with tall glasses of cold milk. always in bowls, always eaten with forks.

it wasn't all that satisfying last night. maybe it's just not the same after you've grown up and left home and developed a better palate. but i think that maybe the key ingredients in KD have almost nothing to do with the taste of something that comes from a cardboard box...i think the key ingredients were probably my sister, and the way she'd commandeer the stirring of the pasta. that i was always the one to add just the right amount of milk and butter. that she'd insist on sprinkling the cheese powder just so. that we'd always have at least one fight and one laugh in the middle of its preparation.

maybe what i really wanted last night wasn't KD at all. maybe it was something familiar. everything these days seems like it's hazy. probably because it's been full steam ahead at work for almost two months now, and there's no release. and probably because it's fall and i love it, but that means that days are shorter here now, much much shorter. and maybe it's because i'm full-tilt busy.

on tuesday le boy met after work, ostensibly to hit the gym, but the traffic was terrible and i said, you know, we could not go to the gym - so we didn't. burgers and a dvd rental (moonrise kingdom) later, life seemed better, or maybe more manageable.

perhaps i've just over-committed. i've probably struggled with this forever. i want to do and be intentional with friends and make a difference in my community and exercise my creativity and live out what i understand god's call on my life to be.

today i bought four kinds of cereal while grocery shopping and i'm hoping that can re-invigorate my mornings. that might be placing too high a calling on cereal. i read this today and this yesterday afternoon, and i think i just might have to heed the suggestion - starting my day well, a little earlier perhaps, with prayer and some quiet physical activity.

we're going away in a couple of weeks. nothing fancy, just a cottage get-away in england. i'm hoping we walk for miles and enjoy the excitement of nothing. i'm planning a week of pre-prepped meals that keep you warm and full. i'm loading my kindle with quiet books. we're planning our dvd viewing. my two main requirements for the cottage: a bath tub and a fireplace. that's the kind of break we need.

it's one foot in front of the other friends. one foot. i think i'll make a roast this weekend. and bake some bread. and eat some cereal of course.

october.

there's a chill in the air. it's definitely autumn around these parts. school has started back, leaves are covering the ground and it's thanksgiving this weekend.

if i'm honest i've felt a bit wordless. truly, my story's feeling a little bit stale. that is until i realise that my story is about so much more than the one thing that distracts me from the rest of the goodness. i'll be honest and say that i'm wrestling with my professional life at the moment, no longer feeling fulfilled in ways i used to be. i'm not sure what to do with the restlessness, but i also know that when god stirs you up, he's usually getting you ready for change.

::september recap::

spiritual:

• tuned into the beth moore simulcast 
• memorised psalm 68:11 & james 2:26 

mental: 

• read: crazy love (finally) it's crazy good, but crazy convicting also.
• read: orange is the new black, entertaining, poignant  a memoir and an insight into the life of a prison inmate and how choices can have long lasting consequences. 
• read: the orchardist, gripping. a novel that centres on how violence can be redeemed by love 
• read: call the midwife, bbc made a television series from this collection of stories of a midwife in post-WWII eastend london, watch the mini-series sure, it was fascinating, but read the book

physical: 

• took a bit of a break, it was necessary and well received, by my body that is! 

creative: 

• finished the drapes! now hung and looking pretty. 
• finished a knitted poncho, just my new favourite item in my wardrobe (photos coming)
• made jersey scarves, liking the diy aspect 

the drapes. finally. 

::october intentions:: 

spiritual: 

• starting a new bible study with our homegroup on grace - so looking forward to what god is going to show us

mental: 

• keep reading (what else would i do?)

physical: 

• start training for a 10km, i'm desperate to start running in earnest again, but i need a goal! 
• finish off the weight loss, i'm really happy with the progress, and i'd like to be finished by the end of the month! 

creative:

• starting a photography course this month, so looking forward to learning more about this art form and not just pointing my camera at things that look pretty! 
• working on a new knitted jumper
• contemplating making this for our living room - big and cozy

film::review

last night after a delightful dinner with le boy and a good friend, i took myself to the movies. by which i mean we all went to the movies but while the guys enjoyed an action flick (bourne) i slipped into a theatre filled with women and saw take this waltz.

it was undoubtedly, one of the most stunning movies of this summer. i should come clean and say that sarah polley is one of my favourite writers and directors - i was raised on the road to avonlea and i am a total lover all canadiana - she's one of our finest gems. and she's done it again. the film is shot in a way that made me feel melancholy for the homeland. really any film that features both leonard cohen and video killed the radio star is a clear winner. and this is. if you've not seen it, take yourself. sit alone and contemplate relationship and love and how we deal with our boredom, our broken places, our constant desire for more. 

***spoiler alert***

the premise of the film is that margot meets daniel while on an airplane. sharing a cab back from the airport it becomes clear that daniel lives across the street and margot, is married. minor items. there is chemistry between these two. there is also chemistry between margot and her husband of five years, lou. margot and daniel begin an emotional affair, and ultimately, margot leaves lou for the excitement of 'something new.'

it was the very best of films, despite and because it didn't end how i wanted. i wanted for margot to stay in her marriage, work it through with lou and realise that happily ever after, doesn't really happen in real life. instead well, real life happens. which is both happy and sometimes, not so happy.

and really, isn't this a reflection on our current culture - where we say, my happiness is paramount? my feeling alive and contented and excited is more important than sticking to what i've promised? we justify this with naff sentiments of 'deserving to be happy' and 'doing what's best for me'. this film is an excellent critique on the ways in which none of that actually matters. that in the process of pursuing personal happiness so often others are hurt, and in the end we're not all that much happier than when we started.

i took away three thoughts from this film.

one - marriage is fragile. 

i thought this again and again while watching. and really it is so fragile. it requires so much care and protection. it requires a daily choice. marriage is never about me, it is always at minimum, about us, and often, more often than not, about my husband. marriage can be decimated in moments. in small decisions. to continue a friendship that really has more to it. to reconnect with an old flame. to spend a night out with the girls flirting with other men. these are small decisions. in and of themselves, potentially harmless, possibly even justifiable. in reality, these small decisions impact the marriage, change it, subtly. changes have consequences.

let the peace of christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. none of this going off and doing your own thing.  col 3: 15

two - new becomes old. 

there's a scene in the film when margot and her friends are expressing the desire for something 'new' rather than the old they know - how they miss the excitement, the passion, the newness of something new. an older woman overhears this conversation and says, wisely "the new becomes old." and how true. we think that the new will be better, more passionate, filled with excitement and life and everything that we don't have right now. but in truth, the new, it loses its shine. eventually, it becomes sitting on the couch, watching the news and going to bed. this sounds and reads as incredibly boring. maybe it is. but it's also life. it's what you do with this this 'boring', how you make it interesting, how you redeem it, that matters.

enjoy the wife you married as a young man! lovely as an angel, beautiful as a rose - don't ever quit taking delight in her body. never take her love for granted! why would you trade enduring intimacies for cheap thrills...? pro 5:18-20

three - do the harder thing. 

i'm not a hater of my generation, but really - as a culture we are terrible at this. my generation particularly. when things get difficult, we try to duck it. we shirk responsibility. we hide. we run. we insist that 'it was just too hard.' what happened to doing the harder thing? not because it's harder, but because in some (many) cases, it's the right thing to do? we've lost the art of sticking it out and trying again. we jump from one thing to the next, we change jobs rather than developing our position, we change churches because it just no longer 'feeds' us. we break up and break down because we'd rather not really put in the effort. we want the quick fix. but actually, for the big things, for the small things for that matter, there is no quick fix. marriage is just a little bit of hard work. that doesn't mean it's hard, but it's certainly not easy.

be even tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. col 3:13

reading recap::gilead.

i've read a few books this summer. and it's felt good to slip into a story when my own story has felt a little chaotic and disjointed. the summer is always so busy. FILLED with the goodness of good things and good friends and good moments, but all that goodness can be a little energy depleting. reading takes me outside of my commute and my away from the weariness of the world, if only for a few minutes.

this summer has seen so many good books fill my heart and head. but mainly, mostly, it was gilead that i keep returning to. keep thinking about.

to start, i should say that i generally don't love pulitzer prize winners. i know it's controversial. i know that's probably against the code of readers, but it's the truth. sometime pulitzers feel a little too much like english class and too little like downtime.

i loved this book. fell in love with this book. it felt like being written to by your grandfather, if you had a kind and strong and loving and faithful grandfather, and i did. it felt like all the best stories of his childhood and all the stories you remember about your own and all the things you hope for your own future children.

it is a very long letter, written by an old father to his very young son, the son he describes as one of his greatest gifts, a surprise in his twilight. it is to be the sum of his wisdom and hopes for his child. it is to be how he teaches him all there is to know of life and love and god and faith. i highlighted and highlighted. i felt my eyes welling up with tears again and again. it's the kind of book that is so startlingly beautiful you can barely contain the joy in your soul, hardly catch your breath.

it should be noted that gilead is also a place, it means rugged or mountain and in the old testament it refers to the area just north of the dead sea, it is a city of strife. this is notable because in the book, gilead, is also a town but it is a town that is mainly sleepy and peaceful in the way we (i) imagine mid-fifties, mid-western towns to be. slighly tumbleweedish, where people know each other, and where christianity is a cultural experience, if not also a spiritual one. but underneath it all, it is also a rugged place. mainly, it is a rugged place for the soul. the father, the old man who is dying, is so struggling with the resolve to live out a life of faith, despite desperately wanting to hold on for more.

it is a book of restoration:

And grace is the great gift. So to be forgiven is only have the gift. The other half is that we also can forgive and restore and liberate, and therefore we can feel the will of God enacted through us, which is the great restoration of ourselves to ourselves. 

of seeking faith:

So my advice is this - don't look for proofs. Don't bother with them at all. they are never sufficient to the question, and they're always a little impertinent, I think, because they claim for God a place within our conceptual grasp...I'm not saying never doubt or question. The Lord gave you a mind so that you make honest use of it. I'm saying you must be sure that the doubts and questions are your own, not, so to speak, the mustache and walking stick that happen to be the fashion of any particular moment. 

of humility:

And often enough, when we think we are protecting ourselves, we are struggling against our rescuer. 

whether or not you are a person of faith, this book will bless you. go read it. but might i suggest, reading it at a time when you have a moment to slow? i was on vacation when i read this. i needed to be. there was so much life in this book about dying that i needed moments to look up from what i was reading and ponder. it is not a read that should be hurried. it should be savoured. it should be ruminated upon.

there is a companion novel to gilead called home. i am desperate to read this, i am also sure i need to have a slow place in my life to do so, this one, i will keep for the next break.

august.

it's been a week of catching our breath. the kind that you never feel finished. i mean really, how is one supposed to complete anything with hours of olympic coverage to catch up on? i miss my childhood summer holidays - it's the only time i remember having absolute freedom to watch tv for hours on end, how can a parent really say, stop supporting your country and go outside? plus it was usually 35 outside and humid and really midday and outside was less attractive, to everyone.

but now, i'm working and depend on sneaking peeks online during the day and using catch-up player in the evenings. it's a bit bizzare to live in the same city as the olympics. and it's great. plus it's bringing friends back to us for a week, so in my opinion, it's amazing!

this weekend will be spent assembling IKEA dressers (yes!) and organizing the last of our clothes. i can definitively say that  we officially have too many workout clothes. it's crazy. insane-crazy. i'm not sure i'd be exaggerating if i said that fully one-half of the combined wardrobe was workout gear. i told you. insanity.

we'll also celebrate our first anniversary - but that deserves it's own excitement. and post.

last week we started off the olympics with a viewing of the road race. there were high hopes for a british medal that just weren't to be, but it was great to get out and see the excitement of the cycling community, in a place we so regularly enjoy. le boy kept saying, "it's just so weird to see them cycling on my cycle route..." i'm going to diving on tuesday with a friend, and i'm so excited! and we're hoping to catch some more live events over the next week.

july recap: 

spiritual:

• i've kept up with the nehemiah study and LOVE it! such a great dig into the old testament, it has been a blessing on my summer. 
• memorisation has flagged a little, with travelling and a bit of laziness, but neh 2:18 has been a great scripture to think about regularly. 

mental: 

• completed three books in july, each of them such wonderful reads that i believe the deserve a little post all their own. but if you've not yet read the following, download them to kindle, rush out to buy them at your local bookstore, or click on over to amazon...beautiful, inspiring reads, each of them.
• a visit from the goon squad - jennifer egan 
• state of wonder - ann patchett 
• gilead: a novel - marilynne robinson 

physical: 

• i wanted to be active everyday of our vacation - this was easily achieved in the hot (but dry heat) california. not so easily achieved in ontario where our days were packed from morning to night and the humidty was almost oppressive. it reached over 40 one day, that did me in. 

creative: 

• plane crochet - a nice little basket for my knitting in the front room 
• diy around the house - pillow covers sewn, spray painted picture frames, lots of painting in a small room, dreaming up finishing touches 

::august intentions::

spiritual: 

• finish out the nehemiah study strong 
• pick up the last of my bible-in-a-year-two years plan and get to work on finishing it 
• memorise three scriptures 

mental: 

• reading 'the art of fielding' by chad harbach and finding it absorbing. 
• read something else 

physical: 

• i will admit that i've started weight watchers - and it's working! i've lost 4.5 lbs! which feels really, really good. i'm using the online plan and think that it might be the key to some success for me. i realised that really, i'm already so active that i have to change my eating habits (particularly that cheese as an afternoon snack habit)
• my trainer has me on a new four days a week strength plan and i would LOVE to actually hit the gym consistently four days a week - i'm looking forward to some serious strength gains this month! 

creative: 

• finishing the drapes and bits of home-dec sewing that are languishing (on my kitchen table no-less) 
• finishing off decorating the spare room and 'lounge' ie family room 
• begin my autumn knitting project. i realised that i needed to get going if i wanted to actually be able to wear it come the cooler weather - which here, is sadly, just around the corner

enjoy august friends - i just love the meaning of the word - to inspire awe and admiration - i am hoping that this month does just that for all of us! 

wednesday wanderings.

the sun has finally broken through! this momentous event deserves recognition. as someone said to me yesterday, all this weather tracking just tells us what we already know - this has been the wettest spring ever. and it really has, rain and rain and COLD. yesterday there was not one, not two, but THREE hail storms. not pretty, particularly seeing as i was caught in one as i dashed from bus stop to train station.

i read this blog post today and thought, yes, i should go for a walk. so instead of rushing to the gym for a lunch time workout, i strapped on my trainers and took to the streets. who knows if this weather will last - it would have been an injustice to mankind to bury myself in the basement of a building sweating it under florescent lights.

i popped in my headphones and listened to my bible readings for today. have you ever listened to scripture instead of read it? it's a completely different experience. i'm not sure i concentrate as well, i learn very well from reading - all those masters papers i suppose - but hearing the word changes it. makes me hook on phrases that i might miss otherwise. not a substitute - just a different manner of engaging with god.

so i wandered around, and remarked to myself how amazing it is that i work in the centre of iconic london. from the staff room window i can see st paul's, down the street is trafalgar square, next door is the royal courts of justice and over the bridge is the london eye. it's pretty spectacular and it's worth remembering. i'm sure it won't always be this way.

what a day for a walk. for the word.

let your steadfast love, o lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you. psalm 33:22

happy birthday my love.

a confusing title, i'd agree. i know you're thinking, but we saw pictures of le boy's birthday back in february, he turned forty, there was lamb. that's true. but today is arguably his more important birthday. it's the birthday i consider to be the one that gave me him. it's the birthday around which his entire world is centered. today is his spiritual birthday - i like to call it his 'jesus birthday'

twenty years ago today, my husband made a choice that changed his life forever. he chose to believe in christ. he answered the call of god on his life and decided to follow the one who is the way, the truth, and the life. 

source

i say that this is the birthday that gave him to me, because well, without our shared faith, we wouldn't be a couple. both of us felt strongly about dating and marrying another christian. i can't say for sure when i committed my life to jesus, but i did, somewhere between birth and now. for me it was a million little decisions, in my memory, i've never not believed. for le boy, a single moment after a childhood of exposure, an adult decision. so i believe that today is the celebration not only of my husband's redemption and rescue, but i also believe that today began the chain of events that led us here. and i'm so thankful. i'm blessed by a marriage that is rooted in christ, by a husband who devotes himself first to our god. and gives god all the glory.

tonight, we will celebrate, a jesus birthday this big doesn't happen every year. 

babe, i pray that you will be faithful like david, wise like solomon and sacrificial like christ. may you never turn from your saviour, may you walk in righteousness all your days, may you run and finish this race well. amen. 

*if you are interested in learning more about jesus alpha is a great place to start.