nineteen::newlywed::faith

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we'll live on love. it's a statement that's said with irony. (mainly). but in actual fact, we are living on love. no love does not feed us. it does not keep the electricity running or the gas flowing. the water is running and needs to be paid for. if you had talked to me last week, i was filled to the brim with anxiety. old nasty demons were doing their best to rear their ugly heads, i gave into the castastrophizing, into the spiral of thoughts that go deep down nowhere and barely give air to breathe. i sat in pity. i cried. i worried. worried.  we are experiencing the uncertainty of joblessness here. and truthfully, it's difficult.

but.

but it's also beautiful. it's changing us. i've written about this before.

if i'm honest, we live an enormously charmed life. we live in one of the most expensive cities in the world. we travel extensively. we go shopping without second thought. we give. we host. we treat. we are extremely grateful for our finances, but perhaps a little cavalier with them?

and we have been brought low. god is in this. even when he's hard to see. we have been, are being, humbled. and i am choking out praise. i am stumbling over words - thank you god for this season. thank you god when the interview time isn't set, when the budget isn't adding up, when the night is closing in on us. thank you god - you have ordained this. you have let it be so. and so we will praise. it is not easy. our nature fights with every ounce strength. but we are grateful. grateful for his provision - for today. grateful for the days when hope dawns on the horizon. grateful for the friends who call and text and email and pray. so grateful for prayer.

so how to walk through this (or any tough road)? by fixing our eyes on jesus. by believing his promises - the only truth. by giving thanks for our daily bread. and in succession, even as the hardest days were happening, continuing my daily reading.

why is dwelling daily with jesus an absolute? because it is only through sitting with him that we come to know his character. only through imprinting his word on our hearts do we come to see his work in our lives. because there is truth for all circumstances. because there is comfort for all who are afflicted. because the scriptures were designed for this. for knowing his will. for being known.

in the middle of us feeling incredibly alone - incredibly inwardly focused - the father reaches down from heaven and placed these verses in our lives. i am clinging to them as though they are life alone. they are.

Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment, for we brought nothing into the world, andt we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content. 1 Timothy 6:6-8

Then I said to you, 'Do not be in dread or afraid of them. The Lord your God who goes before you will himself fight for you, just as he did for you in Egypt before your eyes, and in the wilderness, where you have seen how the Lord your God carried you, as a man carries his son, all the way that you went until you came to this place.' Yet in spite of this word you did not believe the Lord your God, who went before you in the way to seek you out a place to pitch your tents, in fire by night and in the cloud by day, to show you by what way you should go. Deut 1:30-33

red mountain music is speaking to my soul. 


lord, help my unbelief. my help must come from thee. there is little else i need. more you jesus, less of me. amen. 

I know the Lord is nigh,
And would but cannot pray,
For Satan meets me when I try,
And frights my soul away,
And frights my soul away.

I would but can’t repent,
Though I endeavor oft;
This stony heart can never relent
Till Jesus makes it soft,
Till Jesus makes it soft.

Help my unbelief.
Help my unbelief.
Help my unbelief.
My help must come from Thee.

I would but cannot love,
Though wooed by love divine;
No arguments have power to move
A soul as base as mine.
A soul so base as mine.

I would but cannot rest,
In God’s most holy will;
I know what He appoints is best,
And murmur at it still.
I murmur at it still.

Help my unbelief.
Help my unbelief.
Help my unbelief.
My help must come from Thee.